Chapter 14
The Lighthouse
Matt
stood a full fifteen minutes under the hot shower, its warmth soothing his soul
and calming his mind. Afterwards his stomach felt woozy after having emptied
its contents while on the 303 but he did not feel like eating as there was a
leftover tightness inside his gut that caused him to feel like a lumpy rock was
sitting inside, but he wasn’t sick, just tired.
He
noticed the light was on inside Chief Adams office and reluctantly he knocked
then slowly opened the door.
“Come
on in Matt. Did you eat something?”
“No…not
hungry.”
“Okay
then, have a seat.”
Matt
pulled the large cushioned chair closer to the desk and fell into it with a
jolt that bordered on complete fatigue. It felt good to sit and allow his body
to rest.
“Matt,
I need you to tell me what happened out there. What really happened.”
“Nothing…we
found Harmony and towed her back. It was little rough out, but we made it
okay.”
Chief
Adams stared at Matt without responding. “I think there’s more to it than that
and I want you to be honest with, if not me, then to yourself.”
“Good
grief Chief, there’s nothing to tell.”
Chief
Adams did not speak. He did not flinch. He held his high ground knowing full
well Matt was not telling him the truth. Neither of them said a word. Matt
simply fidgeted with his hands and twisted in the chair. He finally threw a
glance at the Chief who was just staring at him.
“Alright.
I had a little trouble. I tossed my cookies.”
“And…”
He
waited to answer, searching his thoughts to secure an excuse, but could find
none, “It wasn’t because I was seasick. I was scared,” he quietly said, “I had
flashbacks to the Marc Eagle. I keep having them, been having them ever since
that night.”
“Johnson
said you almost froze up.”
“Well,
what does he know. We made it back didn’t we.”
“Did
you?”
Matt, slow to answer in spite of knowing the truth, refused to acknowledge his fears and tried to find a reason to move past it.
“I
don’t know, maybe I did.”
“Look
son, it’s no shame to be scared. What you went through with the Marc Eagle took
an incredible emotional toll on you and to have it turn out the way it did - No
one can blame you for feeling the way you do. Your body, your whole mind was
affected. What you must do is face up to it.”
Matt’s
head jerked up and he shot a glare at the Chief.
“So,
you’re wanting me to quit.”
“Didn’t
say that. Maybe you should take some quality time off and evaluate where you
are in your life. Spend some time with that girl, Sharon. Find out what’s going
on inside of you and download some of those fears. You don’t have to quit, but
maybe there’s another avenue to take. Another place where your experience can
provide a service to others without placing yourself or anyone else in
jeopardy.”
“Sounds
like you think I can’t hack it anymore.”
“Come
on…you really think that. You know that is not true. You got 30 days leave
coming to you right. Take some of it, take all of it and unload. This place
isn’t going anywhere and we can get by without you, for a while. Let your body
and mind heal.”
Matt
paused before replying. The idea of taking some downtime had a certain positive
appeal to it. “I’ll think about it Chief.”
“No,
don’t think about, just do it.” He opened his drawer and thumbed through
several document separators before extracting a form, then he handed it to
Matt. “Here’s a request for leave form. Fill it out and have it on my desk by
tomorrow morning. I’ll sign it and you’ll be on your way for a break.”
Matt
took the form and nodded before standing to leave. “Maybe it’s time I took some
time off…and, and thanks.”
The
next morning before quarters Chief Adams found the completed form sitting on
his desk. He quickly scanned it and just a quickly signed it. Matt was to leave
the next day for two weeks.
It was
Friday, a normal station field day with early liberty granted for all but the weekend
duty personnel. Part of the cleanup duties included maintenance on the
lighthouse. On this day Matt took it upon himself to do those chores and so
drove up the hill and past the old Coast Guard Station to pull into the parking
area next to the tall structure.
The inside of the lighthouse retained the same aroma and ambiance with a subtle background rumble that echoed through the empty chamber. It was one of those, feeling kind of experiences, where should you return even decades later, the sounds and aromas would arouse from within distant memories.
The spiral staircase took several
full turns before it reached the top where it stopped just under the Fresnel
Prism dome itself. Here, a small electric motor drove a long shaft that turned
the dome so it would rotate around the glowing light. The beams were generated
by the prism and focused the two white and one red beam that could be seen for
miles out to sea. From this room, one could climb a short ladder into the dome
area and step out onto the deck that stretched around the outside of the
light’s upper reaches. Here is where Matt enjoyed spending time. It had been
far too long since he was here last.
He felt
the lighthouse was a friend of sorts. An intangible one for sure, but a friend
none the less. He often wondered what stories it could tell should it ever be
able to speak. Even without audible words, it did speak to him and told him of
times past when life was simpler. Its beams appeared to arc across time
reaching out to grab hold of its past, and fling it forward into new realms yet
to come. He only wished he could understand what it was saying.
As he stood on the deck from sixty
feet above the ground, the thick overcast sky created a daytime darkness that
allowed the beams to cut through the morning mist. Within a few dozen yards the
beams faded away, yet he knew they were still there, still signaling to the
future to take heed from the past. A heavy load soon pressed in on him, the
kind of pressure that squeezed its way through an unrealized boundary between
his desire for reconciliation, and the realization he may never find it. He
wanted to surrender to the fatigue hovering over him, but his mind drifted
again back to that night. Like premonitions that were bred from vermin, and
guided by an invisible hand, he relived the moments he previously could not
remember. Within those flashes when he felt a compulsion to huddle close to
death, he remembered seeing a face or a man, not an ordinary man, but one
clothed in white with his hand extended toward him. He became aware of a familiar
voice, but a voice he had ignored. He remembered he voice speaking to him, “It
is not your time….it is not your time.”
He remembered choosing to fight for
life that night. To fight through the deception death offered him. He realized
it was at that moment when his life curved to follow a new path. As his
thoughts returned to where he was, he felt as strong of a presence as he had
ever felt. It was something foreign, yet familiar, like the voice he
recognized, but could not make out who it belonged to. It again spoke through
his heart.
He fell
to his knees not from fatigue, but from a revelation of how the voice he was
hearing, was from God. He began to sob. “What are you asking of me?” He
muttered softly. “I don’t know what to do.” There was no audible answer, just
an overwhelming understanding. God was there ready for him to accept the gift
he offered. He just needed to release what was holding him back from taking it.
Footsteps began to echo through the tall chamber which brought his back his attention. When he turned around, he found Sharon standing in the opening to the deck. The wind caught her hair lifting it with a gentle touch tossing it across her face. She seemed to glow with a radiance not unlike the first time he ever laid eyes on her.
She
walked over to him and touched his face. “You’ve been crying.”
Matt
embarrassed, but relieved she was there, slid his arms around her waist and
pulled her close. His tears began to flow, but she said nothing, only allowed
him to hold on to her with a gentle embrace. For several minutes they stood
atop the lighthouse feeling the moment until he released his hold and stepped
away.
“What’s
going on Matt?”
“While
standing here, what happened after I blacked out came to me and I remembered
something. There was a man dressed in white robe reaching out to me, warning
me, telling me it was not my time to die. I think maybe God was trying to get
my attention.”
Sharon
smiled and tilted her head to one side with an approving look. As she held his
hand she asked, “What is he saying?”
“He’s
asking me to believe in him.”
“And do
you?”
“I want
to, but I feel ashamed, like I’m not worthy. I’m confused and maybe angry. Nate and I had a
big fight, I’ve lost my best friend, so much has happened. I almost froze out
there yesterday on a routine run…and losing your dad, my crew, I just can’t
seem to let go of it. What’s happening to me?”
She
paused before speaking not wanting to interject anything into his moment of
revelation. “I won’t push you Matt, because God already knows how to approach
you. You’ll find him, I know you will, and if you ever want to talk about it,
I’ll always be available. Maybe you just need a little more time.”
He
nodded and wiped his face, “I’m sorry for all this, it’s not like me to get so
emotional.” He swallowed a deep breath and regained his composure. “We better
head down. I need to get back to the station before they come looking for me.”
“Before
we do, I have someone I want you meet.”
When
they reached the bottom of the spiral staircase and stepped out the side
entrance, Sharon’s car was parked next to his Jeep. Inside he could see another
person and a child. The door opened and both stepped out. A beautiful young
girl ran up to Sharon and grabbed her leg.
“Matthew,
this is Nicki. Nicki, say hello to Mr. Matthew.”
“Hello
mister Matthew, my name is actually Nichol, but mommy calls me Nicki.”
Matt looked at Sharon and then
knelt lower to look into Nicki’s eyes. They were Sharon’s, they were beautiful,
and within her face he saw imagines of himself. This little girl stole his
heart. From deep inside he knew he loved her from that first moment. He could
not find words, he simply gazed into her perfect, familiar face, then inelegantly
said, “Nicki is such a pretty name. So, how old are you?”
“I’m
five. How old are you?”
He
chuckled, “Well let’s just say I’m older than you are for now.”
Matt
stood tall again and glanced over at Sharon’s friend. “I’m Sandy, Sharon’s
friend from overseas. I am so happy to finally meet you.”
“Yes,
yes same here. Listen, I have to get back to the station to finish up the
morning. Can we meet someplace afterwards? Maybe go for some ice cream or
something.”
“Nicki’s
eyes lit up, “Yeah, ice cream.”
“Okay,
then it’s a date.”
It was
past noon before Matt returned to the station and by then the rest of the
non-duty crew had already been released for the weekend liberty. Chief Adams
was still in his office when Matt stepped in. “Chief, I’m taking my leave
early. I’m leaving this afternoon.”
The
Chief stopped what he was reading and tossed an approving glance toward him. “I’m
good with that, where are you going?”
“To get
some ice cream.”
Matt
all but dashed out the front entrance. As he did so, Patterson on comm watch
stepped up to the comm office window and shouted. “I like
strawberry…Matt…strawberry.”
