Chapter 12
Later that day
The days before spring along the Pacific
Northwest often arrive uncertain and filled with swollen air. It is during this
the longest of seasons, winter still drifts along carried across a stagnant
stream of days and is unwilling to relinquish its hold on the land. On this day
winter lingered cold and chilled, sustained by a robust northwesterly wind embracing
the dunes and the sea. A shadowy Pacific Ocean danced agitated, coughing, spitting,
uttering foamy insults and spray into the air. Leaden skies drifted low broken
only by bleak veils of mist.
Matt’s ribs ached as he struggled to walk
across the beach toward the black rocks of the south jetty. There was no fog on
this morning, just a perpetual low hanging horizontal curtain of storm clouds
that mixed with the distressed surface of the ocean. Twin red triangle gale
warning flags, flying above the lookout tower, popped in the wind fraying their
outer edges as they were jolted straight out.
He tightened the field jacket around his shoulders
and pulled his wool watch cap tight over his ears. Across his face the metallic
sting of windblown sand and mist swirled against his face. At the base of the
jetty, a confused pile of huge black boulders lay resolute and immovable where
they were anchored in the beach where they extended well out perpendicular to
the mouth of the Umpqua River forming the southern edge of the entrance. Wet
and rough they offered little in the way of secure footing and as Matt trudged
toward the front edge of rocks, his steps dug into, then slipped on the wet but
loose sand. With hands in the pockets of his field jacket he turned his right
shoulder into the wind trying to protect his face from its relentless thrusting.
At the top of the distant ridge in front of
the lighthouse, Sharon made the exit turning onto access loop, and stopped next
to the lookout tower. For a few moments she kept the engine running with the
windshield wipers rhythmically sliding back and forth to clear the windshield.
Stepping from the warm confines of the vehicle, pulled her baseball cap tighter
across her forehead and walked over to the lookout tower window tapping on it.
Seaman Patterson unlocked and slid the window open.
“Hey Sharon…We’re not supposed to have
visitors…but, I’ll make an exception in your case.”
“I understand…just wanted to know if that was
Matt’s Jeep down there on the beach parking lot.”
Patterson grabbed his binoculars and took a
quick glance. “Yeah, think it is. Looks like he’s walking toward the jetty. Not
a good idea in this kind of weather.”
“Okay, thanks.”
Sharon motored back down the hill and turned toward
the beach. A few minutes later she parked next to Matt’s Jeep and started to walk
across the shallow cut in one of the dunes that lead to the main expanse of the
beach. She could see him standing on top of the backside of the jetty, she
yelled as loudly as she could against the wind, “Matt”, yet he was too far away
and with the strong wind he could not hear her trying to get his attention. With
some difficulty, she began to move across the dunes toward the jetty hoping to
catch him.
Over a quarter mile along the outer edges of
the bar where the Umpqua spilled into the Pacific, a boiling mass of breakers
once again formed in a three deep soldierly line, massive vomits of exploding
water performing a slow motion choreographed imploding dance. With each
implosion a reverberating roar echoed across the bar half muffled by the wind. Matt
moved forward along the jagged top of the jetty. After a few steps he stumbled,
caught himself, then continued. He stopped several times to catch his breath
and to watch the rollers rip along the jetty’s north side to crash with a
foaming spray. Once elevated, the waves were caught by the wind and atomized
into a fine mist. He continued forward uncertain why he felt compelled to do
so. It was as though the bar was luring, taunting him into a trap, one he knew
was there, but one he needed to face.
With each step forward the sarcastic wind continued
to howl cynical insult at him and the explosive discharge across the bar cursed
gauntlets at him. Over half way out, he stopped and squared into the wind
saying nothing just taking the barrage of insults the forces of nature threw his
way.
With each explosive breaker his mind drifted back
to visions of that night, flashes of a nightmare that troubled even his waking
hours. Anger began to spoil inside his mind and with each added insult the more
spoiled that anger became. Onward, he ventured across the jetty well past the
point where most people even on a calm day would dare go. He slipped several more
times, catching himself on all but one occasion which caused him to cry out in
pain as he landed on his shoulder wrenching his still unhealed ribs. The
farther out he walked, the more rugged and wide spaced the rocks became and he
could no longer simply step from one boulder to another, he had to take shallow
leaps left then right, then crawl low before stepping higher often to bend down
and catch his balance with extended arms. Twice again he fell but the taunts compelled
him forward until finally after twenty minutes he reached the end of the jetty
where there was nothing between him and Asia but thousands of miles of the
Pacific Ocean.
Here, where both the colossal
swells rolled in from the sea met the burnt runoff of the Umpqua River, a liquid
hell boiled like pus from an infected boil. It chided at him and threw ever more
abuses in his face. A deep breath, then two, and three failed to relieve the hard
lump in his gut. He fought to keep from vomiting its contents.
Panic threatened to overwhelm his emotions. For
the next several minutes his world collapsed into one defining moment at this
one singular location. He said nothing. He stood resolute against the wind allowing
the spray and the roar to engulf him, push at him, to tear at him. In his mind,
over and over, he relived that night, seeking answers but finding none. He
could not get the vision out of his thoughts. He squeezed his ears with his
hands attempting to muffle the screams of his friends.
Never before had he faced such turmoil. Never
had he dreamed he would be tormented by such a tragic event. Never before had
he been so frightened. Frozen by its trepidation, locked by guilt, he stood
silent permitting the forces exploding across the bar to bully their way into
provoking a response, one he searched for but could not find. He began to shake
half from fear, half from anger, half from the cold. It was an uncontrollable irrational
shaking that rumbled from his core and spread outward through his nervous
system.
A rouge breaker rose from inside the bowels
of this surge and rolled toward the end of the jetty then exploded in a towering
wall of foam and spray as it crashed against the black rocks. The tempest
whipped the residue across his body and caught the inside of his jacket causing
it to billow behind him like a sail drenching him with its vile spray. Pulled
by its force, he lost his balance almost falling backward, but he fought the
wind taking a step back to brace himself. He leaned forward into the airstream
releasing his pent-up anger, defiantly shouting above the roar of bar.
“You won’t beat me- do you hear- you- will- not-
win.”
Seemingly at his taunts, another even larger
roller exploded over the end of the jetty again drenching him in foam and
spray, again almost knocking him down. It was a duel of two forces fighting for
dominance over his life. He clung to his past, held taut for his right to thrust
back, to move forward.
“You won’t…you…will…not…win,” he yelled in defiance
again arching his arm across the wind before his voice tapered then weakened.
His heart felt weightless. Broken, he dropped to his knees, and with an exhausted
voice he murmured, “I can’t win…oh God…what do you want from me…what must I do…why
did you have to allow this to happen?”
Sharon finally caught up with him, exhausted,
she heard his pleading heart, “Maybe he just wants you to listen to him Matt.”
Startled, he returned to his feet to face her.
She was drenched and shivering, her hair flat from moisture, dripping beneath the
baseball cap, lips blue, and her jacket pulled tight against her shoulders
trying to block the wind and spray. Shouting against the wind she continued,
“Maybe he’s just waiting for you to open up
and turn it all over to him.” She moved closer until she stood next to him. “We do not always understand why things happen
the way they do, but I know from the bottom of my soul that he desires for us
to have him in our lives and all things happen for a reason.”
Matt swung his arm across his body pointing
toward the bar, “Well, if that is so, he sure goes about it all wrong. You
don’t beat down on someone and expect them to come crawling back looking for
more. You think your dad or Bill or my crew would have chosen what happened to
them? He either had nothing to do with it or his sense of fair play is warped. I
cried out to him and he didn’t answer. I don’t believe he was even there, but I
was there, I lived it. What happened was my fault, Sharon, my responsibility. God
had nothing to do with it. Even if he is real, I don’t want any part of him.
I’m tired of trying to please that guy. I just can’t do it.”
Raising her voice against the howling wind,
Sharon tried to answer, “Matt, you don’t understand because you still fight against
it, still running away. Just listen to yourself. It’s not a matter of working
to gain or earn his favor. It’s a matter of knowing who he is and who we are
and what we can become with him in our lives.” A strong gust of wind blew spray
into her eyes and she shielded her face with her hand. “None of us deserve his
grace, yet he chose to give it to those who believe in him. That is why he died
on the cross, to take the blame we deserved so that we might live.”
Another series of large swells rolled across
the jetty. The spray caught by the wind momentarily turned the air white. Matt
braced himself with his legs when an abrupt gust caught them. Sharon lost her balance
and let out a weak scream as she slipped into a crevice wedging her ankle
between two boulders. Matt instinctively leaped across the rocks and knelt low
to help her stand.
“You’re one crazy girl. You beat everything.
Only you would follow someone all the way out here on a day like this just so
you can make a point about your God.” He stood next to her and reached out his
hand, “Give me your hand, can you stand up?”
“Yeah, I think so. I think I twisted my ankle.”
She tried to stand and flinched when she placed
weight on the ankle and sat back down.
Matt sat beside her, “We need to get out of
here before we get blown off these rocks. If you can stand up, I’ll help you
walk, don’t think I can carry you.”
“Just help me up, it’s not bad. I’ll be
alright, I can walk.”
With some effort he helped her to her feet
and together they began a slow hobble across the boulders supporting each other.
Neither of them said much of anything concentrating more on just not falling down.
It took about thirty minutes and several stops, but they reached the sand dunes
and moved toward the relative safety on the lee side of the rocks to rest behind
a large dune infiltrated with large driftwood logs that partially blocked the
wind. Matt looked into Sharon’s drenched face and saw that her lips were blue
and she was shivering so he removed his jacket and placed it around her
shoulders.
“Why did you follow me?” He asked.
“I don’t know Matt. Why did you come out here?”
“It just seemed like the right thing to do. I
guess I’m supposed to say I’m looking for answers or something. I can’t get
that night out of my head, I can’t sleep.”
“You can’t keep blaming yourself for what
happened. It wasn’t your fault. It just happened. It was an impossible situation
and no one could have gotten to them. You did everything you could possibly do.”
“Did I…You weren’t there Sharon. I was. It
was my responsibility to get to them...and…and, you don’t understand…I was
never so scared in my life.”
“Well…that is news worthy. Matthew Jacobs
admits that he was afraid of something.”
“Jack was my friend and my crew depended on
me and I let them down, I let myself down and I can’t live with that. I should
have been able to make that rescue, but I blew it and I don’t even know why - After
we pitchpoled I blacked out and I keep having these nightmare flashes pop into
my mind. I guess that is why I wanted to face it again today, before it happened
again, so I would know how I might react.”
“I know why you came, you’re mad at God.”
He shook his head no, “I’m mad at a lot of things,
but how can I be mad at a God I don’t believe in, but in my gut, I feel like he’s
blaming me.”
She pursed her lips together exposing a
concerned smile. “That ocean out there has no answers for you Matt. It’s just a
bunch of wind and water doing what it always has done. It has no feelings for
anything, but you are acting like it has some personal vendetta against you.
You have every right to be afraid. It’s dangerous work that you do. There is no
shame in that. It is a powerful, unpredictable force of nature. You did nothing
wrong, but neither is God to blame for this, nor is he blaming you.”
She cast a shallow smile and placed her hand
on the side of his face as the moisture rolled across the end of his nose and
dripped away to the sand.
“I know you don’t like to talk about God, but
Matt from the depths of my heart my life would not be what it is without his
presences there, and it’s all because of the faith I placed in Christ who took the
penalty of my sin upon himself.”
“Well, my faith is pretty shot right now. I
don’t even know what faith is?”
“Faith is believing in something unseen, but
knowing it is real. It’s like love. You know it exists, yet you can’t hold it
or pick it up, or see it. You experience it’s effects in your life. It’s
something you believe in, something to share and you feel it in the depths of
your heart. Faith is the ultimate expression of love, because God is the holder
of its existence and the giver of love through his son Jesus.”
“Oh, good grief Sharon, would you quit with
the Jesus stuff.”
“Because I have a relationship with Christ
doesn’t mean nothing bad will ever happen, but it does mean I have someone who
will walk through it with me.”
“Well now you’re sounding like Bob. I can’t
play religion. It doesn’t work for me.”
“It’s not about playing religion. It’s about
getting to know Jesus and allowing him to work in our lives.”
An uncomfortable silence drifted between
them. Matt stared blankly toward the ground, and Sharon lifted her eyes toward
his. She searched into their dark brown emptiness hoping to find a spark of
understanding residing within them.
“Matthew you are the best surfboat operator
in the Coast Guard but every time you go out on a mission you take a risk. You
never know what is going to happen. Sometimes they are easy, sometimes they are
not. As a Christian sometimes life is
easy and sometimes it is not, but I don’t have to rely on my strength alone
because I know he will always be there with me.”
She paused again, “I know, eventually I will
be faced with treacherous crossings in my life, yet I also know that no matter how
bad things get, he’ll always be there to guide me through it and show me the
way across. I’ve already been there, been through it more than you know. Without
that faith, I don’t know what would have happened. Faith is not something that comes
easy or can be taken for granted. It is something you live every day.”
“Well, you got the not being easy part
right.” Matt agreed.
“Without it I would not be here now. Faith is
about trusting in his timing not our own, not forcing events but allowing God’s
plan to play out in our lives. Matt I’ve got so much I need to share with you
about the last five years. I don’t understand why my dad, your friends had to
die. I didn’t want that to happen and yes, I am hurt by it. I was angry at
first, yes, angry at God, angry at you, I was angry at the world. A broken
heart is not easy to mend. Those are normal reactions, but it does not change
who I am in Christ. It only strengthens it, and I want for you to have that
same kind of peace.”
Matt took a shallow breath and shook his head
left and right in a subconscious movement.
“I thought I had peace at one time, but it
pretty well flew south when you left. I’ve never been the same since, and I
still don’t understand why you left, especially after that night. I thought we
had finally found it, then you were gone and not a word from you for almost six
years. I’ve never loved anyone before until I loved you and when you left, my
life was gutted. I’m jealous of your God because it’s like he stole you from me
and now, he has stolen what strength I had left. His is not the kind of peace I
am looking for.”
The intensity of the wind rose with their
emotions whipping sand and rain into their faces. Sharon tried to cover her eyes
but was too late and before she could protect them a particle wedged into a
corner. She blinked and instinctively tried to wipe the irritant away. She
tried to open her eyes but struggled as the wind combined with the sand
particles generated an uncomfortable feeling. Matt wiped her face with his hand
and looked into her blue eyes. She blinked several times tearing enough to wash
out the sand. They paused for a moment no longer feeling the cold or hearing
the wind. With a gentle embrace they kissed and Sharon pulled away slightly,
just enough to prevent a longer kiss. Matt looked into her eyes and said, “I
love you, Sharon. I have from the first day I ever saw you.”
She turned away and dropped her gaze. A tear
welled up and blended with the moisture on her face. “Matt, I have to tell you
something you need to know and it won’t be easy for you to hear.”
She paused and looked into his eyes which
were questioning without saying actual words. “Matt, we have a daughter…you
have a daughter.”
He raised his head and turned slightly to one
side with a puzzled expression. “What do you mean?”
“I mean we have a daughter. I didn’t know I
was pregnant until after I was already overseas. What happened that last night together
was a special beautiful moment between two people who loved each other. It was
also a mistake. We both knew it without having to say it. But it’s not one
person’s fault alone, it’s our fault, and yet no one can convince me she wasn’t
meant to be born. I was ashamed at first so I kept it hidden from everyone. I
know now how wrong that was. That is why I stayed away for so long, it is also
why I came back. I could no longer hide from it.”
Matt rolled to one side and stared off into
the distance with a blank confused look. “I don’t know what to say…a daughter?
Why didn’t you say something, how could you not tell me?”
“I wanted to, but I just couldn’t…I was foolishly
ashamed and was afraid you would be angry.”
“Angry…angry…I’m feeling a lot of things, but
angry is way down the list right now. After all that has happened, and now you
decide to drop this on me. What do you want from me?”
Sharon closed her eyes feeling a lump build
in her chest regretting she had brought up the subject. She took in several shallow
breaths fighting back the tears. “I don’t know…I don’t know what I want from
you. All I ask is for you to forgive me and understand. Matt, I love our little
girl with all of my heart, and I know you can too once you know her.”
“There’s not much left inside of my heart for
much of anything right now. I’m just trying to figure out which way is up, and now…a
daughter. Your God sure has an odd sense of timing.”
Sharon grabbed his arm at the elbow and
pulled it in close. “She is coming to stay with me in few days. I want you to see
her, know who she is. She is one amazing young lady and I know you will fall in
love with her just the same as me. That’s all I ask. I won’t pressure you on
anything else.”
Matt said nothing but shook his head with slow,
shallow, waving from side to side. “A daughter? I don’t know anything about
kids, what am I suppose to do?”
“Just love her. It will come easy, I promise.”
He hesitated before speaking again. “Don’t
tell her yet that I am her dad. Probably need to ease her and me into that. Don’t
think I could stand it if she was disappointed, you know.”
“I promise. We can work through it in time.”
The two of them continued to sit behind the
large boulder for another ten minutes until both began to feel the cold again.
With some difficulty they crossed over the sand dunes to the parking area.
“Sharon, I’m glad you’re home. I don’t know
how or even if I can, but I’ll do the best I can, but…I’ll need time to sort it
all out.”
She kissed him on the cheek, smiled and started
to leave, Matt stopped her. “Just one more thing. I almost forgot. Does she
have a name?”
Sharon chuckled. “Well of course. Her name is
Niccole, Nickie for short.”
